The Cost of Control
Featuring Sharon Hodde Miller
Series Overview
We live in a society plagued by anxiety. And while there are many factors contributing to anxiety’s alarming uptick, one of its roots is our improper relationship and fixation with control. But our preoccupation with control doesn’t only heighten societal anxiety, it bears a lengthy list of additional harmful consequences as well. Our constant grasping for control is having an adverse effect, spinning us more and more out of control.
In this six-part series, Sharon Hodde Miller awakens us to what she calls “the illusion of control” and invites us to stop our white-knuckled attempt to exert control over our lives. Based on her book The Cost of Control, this study opens our eyes not just to the costs of control but points out some of the hidden ways we aim to use control to our benefit and ultimately fail. But there is a better way! Discover the joy and the freedom that come when we cede control of our lives to God.
Session 1: Anxiety, Control, and Our Faustian Bargain
Main Idea: As a society, we are learning the hard way that our grasping for control is akin to a deal with the devil. It always comes with a cost. And, faced with a global pandemic, the costs are clearer now than ever. If we hope to overcome our societal anxiety and the other maladies that spring from our preoccupation with control, it will require that we take a good, hard look at our malformed relationship with control.
Real-Life Story/Testimony 1:
Include a story about a person who, in their attempt to exert control over a situation, encountered significant unforeseen costs. For example, a parent who so tried to control every minute detail of their child’s life that it led to a strained relationship, or a person whose attempt to control their body led to unhealthy habits and/or poor self-image.
Session 2: Why Is Control So Enticing?
Main Idea:
As humans, the ability to control is never fully within our grasp—it’s an illusion. But because we possess an “intolerance for uncertainty,” we persistently attempt to exercise control over all areas of our lives. Our attempt comes naturally because we’ve inherited the instincts of our ancient parents, Adam and Eve. And it’s pervasive now because we have unprecedented access to a menu of tools which promise us the control we’re so desperate for. Illusive though it may be, control remains incredibly enticing.
Real-Life Story/Testimony 2:
Include a story about a person who was consumed by controlling her life only to realize, due to a loss or some unfortunate circumstance—a loss of a job, a medical diagnosis, etc.—that she wasn’t ultimately in control. Discuss their experience with discovering how little control they have and how that discovery actually led to less anxiety, not more.
Session 3: How We Control, Part 1
Main Idea: In our quest for control, we often aim to do one of two things (or both): feel in control or control others. And some of the tools used most often to achieve these aims are knowledge and information, power, and money. While none of these tools are bad in and of themselves, our tendency is to wield them to attain a level of control that doesn’t belong to us, resulting in many of the unfortunate costs that we’ll cover in a later session.
Real-Life Story/Testimony 3:
Include a story about a person who, at the height of a crisis (like a health diagnosis) sought to use social media, news media, personal research, and/or the internet, in general, to feel in control. Discuss the toll it took on this person and their realization that, ultimately, they couldn’t procure the control they were seeking.
Session 4: How We Control, Part 2
Main Idea: There are a myriad of tools at our disposal for seeking to feel in control or to control others. From knowledge, money, and power, which we covered in the previous session, to autonomy, theology, and shame, which we’ll discuss in this session, we have the potential to leverage almost anything to try and overcome our intolerance for uncertainty. Eventually our pursuits lead us further away from where we’re intending to go.
Real-Life Story/Testimony 4:
Include a story about a person who sought control by rejecting authority and depending solely on themselves. For example, someone who refused to belong to a church because they relied solely on the personal aspect of their faith. Encourage them to describe the joy they experienced when they chose to engage in the life and body of the church, no matter how slow the process took or continues to take.
Session 5: The Costs of Control
Main Idea: Clinging to control when it isn’t ours to have leads to a long list of unenviable consequences, which we’re seeing in record numbers throughout society. Whether internal, relational, or clinical consequences, our addiction to control affects us in innumerable ways.
Real-Life Story/Testimony 5:
Include a story about a person who worked themselves to the point of burnout because putting their work down for the day led to anxiety and the sense that they were out of control. For example, a mother who worked to the point of burnout because she refused to rest, spending every waking moment tending to tasks around the house or a manager who refused to delegate tasks because he/she was uncomfortable not having ultimate control. Have them describe the weight that was lifted when they embraced their limits and chose to rest (mother) or delegated tasks and authority instead of hoarding it for themselves (manager).
Session 6: The Power God Promises
Main Idea: While we’ve not been granted ultimate control over much of anything, we are not passive bystanders. God has given us agency, or the ability to exercise a level of influence over various aspects of our lives, most notably over ourselves. By God’s grace, and through his Holy Spirit, we can exercise self-control where it’s needed and submit trustingly to God’s providential care in the areas where control isn’t ours to assert.
Real-Life Story/Testimony 6:
Include a story about a person who “got it.” For example, someone who was once crippled by their tendency to try and control their situation, whether it be a parent with young children or teenagers who tried to superintend every aspect of their children’s lives, a person who experienced broken relationships due to their overbearing approach to friendship or dating, or a person who experienced shame at the hand of someone else but who learned to trust the Word of God instead of the shaming words that were levied at them. Have them describe the freedom that came with loosening their grip on control and trusting the Word and the way of God.
This trailer of our series with Jonathan Pokluda called Adulting will give you an idea of some of the testimonies and lifestyle footage we are looking to capture.